My First Writing… Thingy…

My first piece for Gamerwok.com has been posted! Yay!

Give it a look, Digg it, show your friends… Whatever you want!

To Collect or Not to Collect

My Miracle Boy

I was 18 and a freshman in college when I got pregnant with my son. It was probably not my wisest move of my life, but, I owned up to it. I was with a shitty excuse for a man, and I do mean shitty, he cheated on me, lied to me, stole from me on nearly every chance he could, while claiming to love me.

I had a very difficult pregnancy, and this wasnt your usual hard shit either, I got fucking listeria, and it attacked my kidneys and nearly killed me. Yeah, it was misdiagnosed until I was 18wks along, and I had probably gotten it a week or two after conception. I miscarried his twin at 9wks, its unknown if the listeria had anything to do with that. I was unable to fully recover from the damage done to me, because Texas wont allow abortions past 16wks (I think) and I wouldnt have done it anyway, my life was no longer at risk, and nor was his.

The following weeks were filled with continued morning sickness, I was one of the lucky few who had morning sickness up to delivery. Morning sickness, college, my shitty boyfriend, his younger brother, who stole my meds every chance he got, and his horrible mother who treated me like a slave I cooked, I cleaned, I did house repairs, and nothing I did was good enough for her. And I know I skirted the line of what was safe for me to do while pregnant, but it was much easier to deal with than hear her bitch about how worthless and lazy I was.

My son was born on July 18, 2005 at 2:43pm after 16 hours of labor. He was 9lbs 1oz and 20in long. He was perfect. And I was so high on meds I thought his head looked like a peanut, and tried to convince my mother that I should name him Peanut, instead of the name already selected.

I wanted to name him Peanut

I’m glad my mom talked me out of the name Peanut, though it was his nickname for a long time.

Our first photo together

But the fun was just beginning….

At his 2 week appointment it was discovered that he had a Ventricular Septal Defect, which means a hole in the heart. His was a half a centimeter big, that may not sound like much, but when your heart is about 2cm big, its pretty big, and it was right above where the four chambers of the heart connected, so of course there was worry that if the hole enlarged it would cause serious problems to his overall development.

So we started him on medication, and weekly tests. Some of the tests were done in town, and some of them were done in Fort Worth, which was nearly 2 hours away. I was attempting to breastfeed this poor infant, and it just wasnt working, I couldnt produce enough for him, it was just impossible. I was actually accused of intentionally starving my son at a WIC appointment.

For nearly three months we did this, until his cardiologist said that if he didnt perform open heart surgery soon, he’d probably die.

Those were probably the hardest words for me to hear of my whole life.

A day before surgery, all skin and bone.

Arrangements made, my mother was going to take us there, and stay with us the whole time. We were off to Fort Worth, so they could cut open my tiny baby.

I’ll never forget the moment the nurse came and took him away from me, I had been holding him and singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star in Latin. We had brought his MooChew with us, which my sister had given him when he was born. And he had only a diaper on, but had his blanket that his Aunt Kim had made him.

She came up to me, and said it was time. He looked up at me with his big blue eyes and smiled at me as she took him away. Another nurse came by to show us to the waiting room. I remember being barely 5ft down that hallway before I broke down and started crying. I completely lost it, clutching his blanket and toy, scared because something might happen, and my sweet little boy, who had fought so hard to be born would be taken away from me.

I remember my ex trying to comfort me, and me taking a swing at him, because through this whole thing he had never been supportive, never been there for me. Mom tried to comfort me, she kinda did, but only barely.

Four hours….

He was in surgery for four hours, I remember the call to say he was out of surgery and okay. They wheeled him by the waiting room so I could see him. And all I could think of was how tiny he looked on that full-sized hospital bed.

In Recovery, hooked up to a million machines.

He was fast at recovering, and charmed all the nurses. And on the day he turned 3 months old, he was released from the hospital with a clean bill of health.

Day before going home, happy as a clam, and petting his toy pig.

He doesnt remember any of it, and hes proud of his scar, when asked he tells people that he once had a big owie, and a nice funny man fixed it and made him better.

Hes my miracle baby, and next month he turns four.

I think its finally finished…

Moving, adjusting, unpacking… I think I am FINALLY finished with it. Of course this means that in a month I will decide to deal with the boxes of books in the storage room. Ugh, sometimes I hate being as neurotic as I am. Other times its very handy.

I started writing for Gamerwok.com, basically reviewing games and writing editorials, hopefully I suck so badly that I get kicked off. But I learned an important lesson today about my skills in sports. I suck at golf in ANY version, seriously, Happy Gilmore I am not. And even though I went through the training thingy, I didnt understand a lick of the lingo, or the scoring. I’ll save the rests of my thoughts for the actual review.

I need to get some more canvas, since I am out, but I think I want to wait and see it MAYBE someone will actually buy my work, since I have quite a few finished. I’ll update my page here with the new ones, and see what happens. I’ll probably get more canvas if they dont sell, because its very therapeutic for me, and I’m not sure why, it just is.

Sims 3 is now in our home… And oh man, what a time waster, and I’m told I micro-manage my Sims too much… I LIKE dicking around with them, its a nice little powertrip for me. But I always seem to make horny, crazy breeding Sims, cause thats what they like to do… Its weird, and messes with my head in a bad way. But yeah, Sims 3, worth the money, and I LOVE the creator, so many options on making people, I cant wait to see what some of the fans make in the way of extras.

Hopefully, starting tomorrow, I will begin the “working out”. Our building HAS a weight room and swimming pool on-site, so I might as well use it, right? So I think I will do an hour or so a day, but switch between, one day in weight room, the other day in the pool, and maybe take the weekends off… I’ll see how it goes at least.

Sometimes I kinda hate myself, and maybe giving the adrenal gland something to do besides get excited for sex will be good for me. We shall see anyway.

Damn I suck at staying with things I dont fun though…

Broken…

Its one thing to promise not to hurt someone, its a whole ‘nother thing to be the idiot to believe them over and over.

Sometimes being shattered into a million pieces is the only way to rebuild into something stronger…

Right now, I just want to destory it all and be done with it…

I dont know if I can trust again, I dont think I ever really did…

Hmph…

So I realize that most of my latest blog posts have been either shameless self-promos, or apologies about not posting… Here is why…

We had my mother-in-law’s wedding on the 9th, it was lovely, but it was 4 days out of town, and it was hectic and tiring.

We got back, had one day (during which I had a therapy appt) to prep for my mom’s arrival. Thats a LOT of cleaning and shit to do in a short bit of time.

Mom was here for a week, and over 600$ later, my kid has basically a new set of toys, a trip to the Tyrrel Museum (which is awesome), and LOTS of take out.

And in the midst of all of this, I have been trying to pack, so we can move to our NEW PLACE, which we finally found out for sure on Friday.  Now a bunch of the packing is done, so its just figuring out when we’re doing our move-move.

I’m very tired and READY for our own place… And I am trying very hard to make myself finish the fucking comic that’s been sitting on my desk for a month.

*headdesk* ZZZZzzzzzzz

PS We’re getting a kitty when we move… YAY kitty!

Stuff on eBay!

Seriously! Go and see!

Click me!

Quick Update…

Wedding was lovely, drank a bit too much, took tons of photos, and will put some on Flickr when I have the time.

Mom’s visit was fun, rental cars are the BOMB! Tons of photos and video from that.

J-Monster’s cardiology appt when as expect, has a touch of aortic stenois. Going to be rechecked in a year, no big.

Currently packing up non-essentials while the boys look at a possible place, and hopefully put down deposit.

I will post a REAL entry detailing every mention when I finally come up for air.

News on Comic: Whenever I get it finished, real life is a tad more important, but I will get bored with packing, and might draw some.

Have a few new paintings to post… when I get around to it…

Oy!

I Swear I Live…

Its just been VERY busy… My mother is here, came in two days after we got back from seeing Jelly Bean’s mother, and attending her wedding.

Photos of the past 2 weeks are on Facebook, if you havent friended me there, send me a request. ^-^

I’m drinking large amounts of rum right now…